Monday, January 30, 2006

I wish it would all go away

Today I want to be alone. Speak to no-one. Explain my self to noone. Answer to noone. Share my things with no-one. I want to have my own world, where I can do what I want to do, to study, to draw, to paint. Where nobody will tell me it is a silly idea and that I am not good at it, or it is a waste of time or it costs too much, or that the housework needs to be done first. I dont want to be told that it is selfish and I should not be enjoying myself. Because that is what happens when I do something for myself. No more!!

I dont want to have to hide my passions, hide my paint brushes and my paper. I dont want to have to only bring them out when no-one else is home and rush them away when they arrive back. I dont want to only be able to practice dance when no one is watching.

I want to be whom I am, now that I've found out who I am, I want to live it. No lies, no secrets, no guilt. Just live to the fullest, open in the light.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The Selenomancologist: What if a room could speak?

The Selenomancologist: What if a room could speak?: "In a room with no boundaries, the perfect human dances once the music has gone."

The Selenomancologist: Let's play the empathy game!

The Selenomancologist: Let's play the empathy game!: "Anyways, now that your mind is clear, become very conscious about the 'I' that experiences your perspective. The 'I' should not have a personality. The 'I' is not an individual, or a conformist, or interested in necking with a fellow 'U' at the back entrance of the local cinema. The 'I' does not care where it has been, where it is now, or where it is going. The 'I' is the vanilla and the world that it perceives is the chocolate with rainbow sprinkles and extra cookie dough. The 'I' is bland and it is merely there. It is your consciousness itself, and nothing more. The I is just pure, unadulterated consciousness. There was a quote from something, somewhere, that went 'we are all a part of the infinite human consciousness, we're just experiencing ourselves subjectively'. Your 'I' experiences the external and internal world very differently from the estimated 6 billion other 'I's lurking the planet. But within each living being, the I experiences itself exactly the same."

How will I inspire?

What is it I will do? How will I inspire, help others? what will I do for myself? For so long, so many years I lived for everyone else, I lived my life through everyone else. I thought what they thought, believed what they belived, did what they did. I thought, believed and did as I knew they wanted me to.

But now, I have found me. I am a person. I dont need to be them. I can be me. I now have to figure out what I want, what am I going to do, how am I going to make my life? What will I be remembered as, who am I?

I figured out what I believe. I figured out that I am not them. Now the world is at my feet, I can do anything I want. Will I study more? Will I paint, draw or write? So many opportunites, so many things I'd love to do. Where do I start? What is it that I'll do first? How very exciting.

Exciting, but I feel lost at the same time. So unsure of my future, so unsure about what to do next.

Indigo is the colour...

Indigo is the colour... testing blogthis!

I will inspire others...

Feeling lost today. I want to write, I want to paint, to draw. I want to create and give it to the world. I want wide recognition. I want to be well known. I read brilliant words, and wish I could write like that. I see brilliant paintings and wish that I could paint like that.
The desire to paint and draw has been in me for many years, as long as I can remember. But the ability hasn’t developed. Every now and then it raises its head and calls me again. That is now. So again I paint, it isn’t good enough to show the world, how will I find the time to improve?

I’m tired of creating things for other people, drawing up designs based on their requirements. I want to design and create based on MY requirements now. Its my turn.

I need to create, I need to express, I need to put something out to the world. To inspire others, to provoke thought in others, just as I am inspired by art.

I can write. I have ideas for a book. Will I actually do it? Should I do it? Why would they read mine?

I should be content to admire others art. I should not be jealous. Am I jealous? Or is it just stirring up the creativeness in me? That has to be a good thing right (?).

I want my art shown, not hidden in a folder in my study (as it is now). Put it on greeting cards, put it in every newsagent in every town. Ken Done had the right idea. That is what I want.

But is that just my ego? Is it just the evil ways of glory? I should be humble, and simply give out energy of love and light. Is it wrong for me to now want to be standing and noticed? I spent so many years laying and hiding, I just cant do it anymore.

I studied art through school, it was a strength, I came so close to going to Uni to do art, I was offered a place. IT beckoned me with the prospect of more money, a more stable career. Why have art classes been cancelled that I enrolled for? Why hasn’t it happened? I still need to fulfil the artist in me. It’s pulling hard right now, as it does from time to time.

I’m feeling lost today. I’m finding it hard to surrender today… to let go… to just feel. I have wants and desires today. I feel sad.

I’m drawn to read words and see images today. I need to feel my creativeness. Logic has no place today.


Well I finally decided, I'll write a blog.