Easter approaches..

I feel that Easter is a good symbol to leave alot of stuff behind, and to start a new life. Time for a new begining after ending somthing significant. The full moon will assist me. And so the clouds are moving, I'm getting on tip-toes, I'm fluffing my wings... I'm about to jump, leave it behind and start a new adventure...

on the edge of a cliff

I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, I've been here for a week. I've been walking towards this cliff edge for the past couple of months, slowly at first, but recently I've been running. Excited with the prospect of change, excited in finally beliving that it is the right thing to do, excited in faith that when I jump off the cliff I will fly. I'm fully aware that once I leave the edge, I have two choices, I can fall or I can fly.

Falling is the easy way, to feel sorry for yourself and defeated, to choose suffering, that is the easy way, that is the way that society says we should go, we have been brought up to focus on failure and suffering. At first I thought I'd fall, and began with a slow trudge. A year ago, I would have fallen, I would have seen no other way.

I'm going to fly! I cant wait to feel the freedom, to feel the energy of the earth cushioning me and lifting me higher. I know it may be bumpy at first, just like the baby bird who leaves the nest for the first time, but I know it is my destiny and I will fly like an eagle.

I cant jump yet, not out of fear as you may think. But out of wisdom. There are things that I must do first, I must prepare, I will soon be ready. Waiting for the right winds and the perfect day that will carry me through blue skys. The clouds are still heavy, they will soon move as I have figured out how to move them....

Changing seasons

Today I feel the cold approaching, it is autumn, a time to shed old things. Winter approaches, a time to hibernate, withdraw into myself and complemplate how I will grow with the new season of Spring. It is a time for change.

The Alchemist and Joesph's wonderful coat

I read 'The Alchemist' over the weekend, a quick and easy read. Very well written, I do recommend it. My 'personal legend' is to write a book, I know and feel it that I have to do this. And everytime I dismiss it, it keeps tugging at me.

I also saw a production of 'Joesph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat' on the weekend, which interestingly enough, the book 'The Alchemist' makes reference to. So I spent the weekend taking in alot of inspiring material.

I know that I experienced so much darkness for so many years so as I can now see the light. If you are always in the light, you cant see it. I can apreciate it so much. I am grateful for the experiences I've had, the journey I've travelled so far (as hard as it was), it has only made me a better person now for it. I know that it is my calling to help others out of the darkness and to tell my story.

Climb out of the darkness

I finished reading 'The Spiral Staircase: my climb out of darkness' by Karen Armstrong. I loved it, I didnt want it to end. I could relate to her so much, coming from a world of darkness and, suppression into a world of light and being your own person. I related to the experiences and the feelings that Karen had throughout the whole book. The book inspires me to keep going, reassures me of my path, and helped me to understand some issues I have and to resolve them.

A volcano at the cafe

Took my almost-9-year-old to the coffee shop yesterday, I was stressed, the coffee I needed was wonderful. I bought him a coke. And as we played a relaxing game of chess, he decided to try a science experiment, while I was focusing on where to move my knight. He placed a sachet of sugar into the bottle of coke, and much to his surprise it exploded like a volcano. My reaction was bad, more stress, people came running, coke kept flowing over the table, seat, floor, my son. So I could then continue to stress out or laugh. Well I choose to laugh, it was pretty funny, the look on my son, the suprise. I couldnt stop laughing, it was good to laugh.

To have something wrong

My Lemonade Life: "The only thing wrong with you is your unquenchable thirst to have something wrong.

What, dear child, you would be capable of if you didn't spend your life endlessly trying to fix that which isn't broken and hang on to that which is already gone. Just imagine who you could be if you weren't standing in your own way!"

Insight

I'll keep tolerating, I'll keep forgiving, I'll keep standing up for myself, I'll keep respecting myself. It can only make me stronger for it. I will continue to learn lessons and grow stronger every day. I'll continue to deflect the dark and love the light within me. I'm grateful for this opportunity.

I did my first powerpoint presentation today, with projector and all, in a seminar room with lots of interested people. It was scary, I was really nervous, but I survived. Next time I can only do better!

I feel the need to tell everyone who does good, that they indeed do good. I need to tell people not to take the good for granted. I see the good, I dont take anything for granted anymore, I apreciate life and loving people.

It is a most beautiful Autumn day today!

Smile at somoneone, you'll never know just how good it made them feel :-)

Forgive in silence...

OK, we do have to forgive...every time. I know. We do have to sit in silence, in the NOW. We do have to erase the 'stuff' from our minds. For in silence we will be given all the answers, we will know.

And yes, I know you can't change anyone, so it is fruitless telling them to change or to stop.

We can only work on ourselves.

Somedays it is easier, somedays it is harder.

The weeds and black holes...

They say 'if you ignore it, it will go away'. Is there really any truth in this? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. Sometimes it does never go away, sometimes it needs to be stamped out instead of ignored. It is hard to ignore somethings, and it is those things that hurt you the most that you need to ignore the most.
But what do you do when if you ignore it it simply keeps coming, like the silence is acting as a permission for it to continue. Doing nothing is building it in itself. Well, if I'm not punished, then it must be ok.

How do you completely ignore it? Sure, on the physical level, you dont react to it, dont mention it, dont make any physical change in your body in response to it. But on the mental level.... it is harder to ignore. It rings in your head, it is there, your mind cant ignore it, but instead becomes angry that it is still occuring and has to try to ignore once again.

Forgivness is there for us to use, to release it from our minds, allowing our minds to ignore it and be free. But what if they really shouldnt be doing what they are doing, what you are trying to ignore. It is not acceptable at all in any circumstance. And what if they dont see that they are doing wrong?

How many hundreds of times can you ignore and forgive the same person, the same abuse each and every week?

So if you tell them to stop, you are giving them fuel to do more and to abuse you even more, fuel to tell you how you are wrong not them and that you deserve it and that you have no right to tell them to stop. And if you again ignore it, they smile in knowing that you are again tormented by it in silence.

And living in the NOW, the present, it is the same as ignoring, and some people just take an ignore as permission to continue (since no one stopped them). You can only ignore it for so long.

Some people do not need positive feed back or nutring to continue on. Some people are the weeds, they'll keep on growing even knowing that they are not wanted. They thrive on neglect,
because they know they are being seen and noticed and that is enough. They take their water and food from the pretty flowers near by and grow taller and stronger than them. And as soon as you pluck them out (which is giving them even more attention) as their thorns pierce your heart, their seeds are already breaking free in multiples and they are stronger again, stronger than they ever were as one.

How many hundreds of times can you ignore and forgive the same person, the same abuse each and every week? How is that I can escape it for ever?

"Treat them as you want to be treated", and what if they just dont get it? How long can you throw light and love at someone only to watch it absorbed into the black hole and make them stronger. Please help me.

So familiar...

The Selenomancologist: Wednesday, March 01, 2006 - "Floating in space as a photographer without her camera "