money, money, money.....

So now I'm thinking about the money. Money is such a big issue in our lives. Everything has a priority, where do we spend our money first? Everyones priority on spending is different. And when the priority is low, we say it is expensive. 'Expensive' is a personal opionion! Everyones idea of what is and is not expensive is different.
Private school is becoming difficult for me in terms of money. Brilliant education for my daughter, brilliant discipline. But I'm having a personal problem with the money. So in my mind at the moment it is either , private school for my daughter each year OR holidays overseas each year. I'm for the holidays! I'd rather spend my hard earnt and hard saved money on holidays rather than a private school. OR I'd rather spend it on a better home for us as well. A little selfish? Yes. I've a bloody hard time of it the past few years. Its time I enjoy the life I want to live. I will have a better home, and holidays. I will have a well behaved and adjusted little girl too.... but maybe I can help her without a private school.

Its private.

What to write, oh what to write today?
I cant pick a topic today.
Today I am at work again. Yesterday I was in court (again).
I have a big decision to make, should I change schools for my daughter? She needs the qualities of a private school, she is now in a public school. She is 8 years old. She needs help. Help that I can no longer give on my own. By the time she is in high school, she'll need lots more help - it will be too late then. If I dont move her into this particular school now, I think I will regret it in her teen years. The issue - can I take on the financial commitment of this private school for the next 9 years? Its only money - right? Somehow I will find enough to pay for it - right? If it is really the right thing to do, then the universe will provide for me to make the means for it to happen - right? If I really had lots of money I'd send my son too. Can I take on the financial commitment for both of them? He will surivive the public system. Is it not fair to give him an advantage?
I always had a strong opionon. for years I have been saying "my kids will never go to a private school. I will never pay for a private school. It is not necessary". I take it back!!!! I was wrong. My daughter needs it.
Please, send me the signs, lead the way, show me what is the right thing to do.

I know what the right thing is to do. Enrol her now.

Leaving

I am here again. Again, seated in this old swivel chair that never seems to have the capability to completely adjust to comfort and support my long body. The view in front of me is of a dull grey computer, boring white papers and the walls. The walls are cold. The air is quite warm, but the colour, the colour of the walls, the stark whiteness along with the years of collected grime, is cold. The energy is stale. The energy affects my mood, in this room, I feel numb, I feel like I don’t want to talk to anyone. I feel unmotivated to achieve anything. This room puts me in an unsociable mood, I stare into space and think only about being out of this room. I dream of all the things I could do if I wasn’t here. Of course, outside this room is everything I want. I want colour, I want laughter, I want warmth and love, and I want to feel the energy of excitement, challenges and possibilities in motion. In the adjoining offices I hear voices discussing opinionated trivial matters, they are happy to be here, or they at least pretend to be. I have no work to do, nothing to distract me from thinking I don’t want to be here. Nothing to speed up the relativity of time and to make the clock disappear for view for a few minutes.

When I close my eyes, I feel the warm air and see the sunlight generating it. I see the vivid greenness of the grass to my right, I see the café window to my left and the colourful paving beneath my feet, extending along the street and around the corner. I smell the addictive aroma of coffee and feel the familiarity of the cup in my hand. I hear the laughter of ladies, gentlemen and children, enjoying the delights of a day promising possibilities that were dreamt of yesterday. I feel the energy of love. I feel a smile on my aging face and excitement in my heart.

I open my eyes and return to disappointment. But today is not the day to leave.

I did my best

I havent been near a computer for 9 days. My nana passed away last week; Last week I attended court and had to stand in the witness box and speak (OMG it was scary) - only hours after being given the news of my nana, it was hard. I had two meetings with my solictior - yuk. I got sick... and I had to attend a funeral. I had to face relatives that I hadnt seen in years, I had to face relatives that I didnt want to see, I had to keep an eye on my brother and make sure he was ok in his grieving. I had to grieve myself. A very difficult week!

My dads mum died. My dad died only 8 months ago. It is hard losing another connection to him so soon, while I still grieve over the loss of my dad. Its hard losing a nana who I wish I'd spent more time with, phoned more.... I forgive myself. I did my best.

These challenges are opportunites for growth. I have gained new insights, new knowlege and a greater strength through them. Life gets better each and every day.

Smile :-)