Bliss

Today, last day of work before Christmas, yeh. Then I'm off on holiday, camping for a couple of weeks, yeh! Cant wait to get away from the rat race, from the housework and christmas shopping, cant wait to get way from all the legal documents i have to deal with in my life. A couple of weeks, at one with nature, free and experiencing pure bliss.

Today i sit here, looking at the depressing walls. Its quite, most people are already on leave, the only work I have to do is the work that I most do not want to do. So I sit here and think about what I'll do when I leave. Its a hot day, and the air is thick with smoke (from the bushfires in the state). Tonight we will go to williamstown for a coffee and cake. Cant wait, it will be lovely, nice and warm and at the same time feeling the coolness of the bay. The atmosphere will be happy, happy people enjoying life! And I'll stare into the eyes of my new love and the rest of the world wont exist....

all i want

i am still afraid, i still feel fear

Silent tears

To have your eyes well up with tears, that slowly overflow and fall down your cheeks when someone has offered to help you. I know how it feels, I've experienced it many many times. They come from self-pity. Feeling sorry for your self that you need help, that you couldnt do it on your own, that you failed in someway. They come from a low self image that says no one would want to help me.They come from overwhelming gratitude that someone wants to help you. They come from a truth that you are truely loved and you deserve love and that you dont have to do it alone.

Tears are healing, tears are realising truths, tears release fears, tears water a little flower inside us helping it to grow.

same old walls again

And so I am at work again today, staring at the same old walls. the computer is my window, the internet displays infinite possibilities, exciting colours and dreams waiting to be explored...

The wallls are white with light blue trimmings. The white is a cold white, stark, and dirty. The light blue is icy cold, a colour that portrays illness, lifeless. The grey carpet is, well its grey, but its dirty and worn and old. With mission brown door handles and shelves on the walls straight out of the 1970s. Empty shelves with a couple of fallen folders - depressing. The air is cold in here, it is 30 degrees outside - sunny and hot, but here I sit with a jumper on and tense muscles to keep warm.

Yes, a wonderful colourful world awaits me, it is beckoning me to it. Christmas is very close now, then a camping holiday in the great outdoors, freedom, at one with the elements. It will be hard to come back to this place.

my own colourful world awaits me...

I'm at work, but dont want to be here, dont want to be working. I want to be creating my own world, a colourful world, I want to be writing my book, I want to be laughing with friends, I want to feel the sun on my face and hear the birds laughing too. I want to run free with my imagination and do what I want to do... I dont want to be here working (in a cold, drab, depressing, office where I can only hear construction workers banging, sawing, drilling and destroying the shit out of concrete and metal, where I can only see this screen and depressing blank walls.)

writing

I need to write, its time to write my manuscript. An autobiography of my life, but really in particular the past 3 years. Yes the past 3 years, my shift from darkness to the light. I have all the journals and plans and ideas, I've written and written over the past years. Now it is time to put it all together and have it published. I'm asking for an agent, a publisher to come my way.... my intention is to make this happen now.... I'm asking for the means to support me in my writing.... so it is done, so mote it be.