Indigo is the colour...

Coming out of the closet

2008-02-06T11:24:00.000+11:00

I'm now busy and excitedly marketing my business.... and telling people why I have resigned from my employment and what I plan to do.

It is like I'm coming out of the closet. I have not dicussed with many people over the years of who I really am. I am surprising people by now telling them who I am and what my goals are.

I am a reiki master healer. I am conducting children's meditation classes. I am providing massage. I am studying part-time in a totally new field.

It is nice to be living and speaking the absolute truth of my heart.

I am free from living behind the mask that has hid me for so many years.

Yes, it's a little scary, but only at the start, people are nicely surprised and I am recieving alot of postive feedback and congratulations.

I totally and utterly and absolutely have faith in myself.

I am happy!!!!

Ahhhhh a sigh of relief

2008-01-31T11:47:00.001+11:00

I feel good since resigning. I'm following my heart and I'm happy.
It is nice.
I'm around positive people, happy people, it feels good.

I am creating the life I choose. To follow my heart, trust my inner wisdom and knowledge, to be around those people who I want to be around - happy and positive, do achieve my desires.

Faith is important for me right now, taking such a big leap and change of direction. I completely have faith in myself and the universe. I completely trust myself.

Me, myself and I

2008-01-17T15:10:00.000+11:00

I spent some time alone this week, a few days actually. Just on my own, I went away, rented a cute cedar cottage in the bush, in the mountains. It was beautiful. There was no mobile phone contact, even better. There was only the sound of the creek, the wind, the kookaburras, cockatoos and the kangaroos skipping away over the bark and leaves of the bush floor. There was only the sound of my heart in my head. I didnt listen to music, even though there was a CD player and I had CDs. I did not watch the TV, even though there was one. I did not use the public telephone even though there was one down the road. I listened to nature and myself. I felt nature and myself.

I was happy, in total bliss, every single moment of those days. As I walked, as I read, as I wrote, as I swam, as I sat. It was so, so, so nice!

I was inspired to write again. I was inspired to follow my heart and my burning desires.

Today I officially resigned from this job! It felt good. It feels good. I was totally ready.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
I totally trust myself completely.
I promise myself that I will play in this universe (rather than stuggle to survive)
I promise myself that I do follow my hearts burning desires each and every day.
I promise myself that I do experience happiness every day in all that I choose to do. (and if I'm no longer happy that I will stop doing it!)

Writing

2007-12-06T14:25:00.000+11:00

I have not been writing lately (my book, that is). I'm a bit worried. Have I given up? I hope not? Maybe it's is a much needed break. I hope to begin again soon.

Tea parties and a new career...

2007-12-06T14:23:00.000+11:00

I got in!! Yes!! I have been offered a place at TAFE to do a Diploma next year. I am very excited.
I have bought myself a teapot and put it under the tree for christmas. I cant wait to have my very own tea party!

I want to have a tea party, it sounds delightful

2007-11-15T10:34:00.000+11:00

I've applied to study at TAFE, I've done the application and info session, and even done the interview... now it's waiting to hear if they are going to offer me a placement. I see no reason why I should not get an offer, I am very excited and feel it's right in my heart. The course in Community Welfare and Youth Work. I could then go on and complete the Diploma of Community Service after than and then a Bachelor of Social Work. Sounds great. I will study part time, work part time and of course be a full time single mum in the middle of it all. But it will all work out OK, because this is what I want to do.

I am very excited about the prospect of leaving my current job!!!!

I am going to begin running Childrens Meditation classes in the new year! I am very excited, it is something I've wanted to do for a very long time.

After all I've been through in life, it is now my time to give back to the community and support those in need, just as i was. I need to share my wisdom, experience, understanding, empathy, advice, support and love.

..... waiting to recieve the letter of offer......

its been a while....

2007-10-24T14:34:00.000+10:00

It's been so long since I have written.... I've grown considerably... I've been finding a new path and growing stronger with in myself...

A new career is on the way! I am excited!

A better student

2007-08-27T13:20:00.000+10:00

the last two months have been very intense for me... i see the light now and some of it is shining on me. i read something the other day and it told of how when life becomes more and more challenging and intense it is because you are now a better student (of life), you are now better equipped to handle such challenges and you are ready to learn from them. the lessons intensify as you become a better student...

I have indeed learnt alot, I've jumped a long way out of my old comfort zone!

a speck of light....!

2007-08-09T09:30:00.000+10:00

After three exhausting days and nights of no sleep... After three days of stress and phone calls and talking non stop, of arguing, of questioning, of seeking knowlegde... After spending the day in court yesterday, gaining a massive headache, a dry throat and talking for hours on end, and listening to the magistrate and solicitors.... after vomiting so many times from the stress and worry and exhaustion.....

I see a little light at the end. It is only a speck, but it is light! Yeh!

I will be back in court again next week, and between now and then I have a massive amount of homework to do. Documents to write, evidence to remember and document, supporting documents to chase up and find, explaining myself again and again, expressing my intentions....

Tell me, when do we have time to sleep and eat whilst going through such legal proceedings? (I cant eat when I am stressed.)

I still have to be the best mother I can to my children, I have to show no signs at all of stress or worry to my children. I have to do all this homework and preperation when they sleep. Somehow I still have to hold down my job and attend work when I can....

Things will get better. There is an end. I am growing into a better and stronger person through this enourmous challenge. I am becoming wiser. I am grateful.

an endless tunnel?

2007-07-30T13:19:00.000+10:00

I feel like I am in an endless tunnel. It is dark and cold, wet and muddy. I keep moving forwards and I know why I am in here, but i cant see the light at the end yet. It scares me. It is uncomfortable, the unknown. I dont see a way out, I dont see the ending or how it could possibly all work out. People reassure me that it will get better, there has to be a light and an ending. I will keep moving and pray that I see it soon.

I know that it will soon be over. I surrender.

I know my intentions, my goals, I surrender to how they will manifest. I live in the now, the moment, day to day.

I could talk about.... but don't know how right now.

2007-07-23T11:39:00.000+10:00

I could talk about my weekend in two different ways:

First: I could come from the ego point of view and say how horrible it was, stressful, scary, how I was a victim of yucky things and how my children were also a victims, how we were threatened, how my son was held for ransom while threats were placed against me that I didnt succum to. How i was able to keep at least one of my children safe. How i feared for the life and well-being of my children. I could talk about how I spent time at the poilice station and how they have absolutely no compassion - they only act by the book. How I spent lots and lots more money talking to my solicitor and obtaining advice on what to do and say next. I could talk about self-pity, and guilt, and regrets, and resentment, and anger. I could talk about how confusing it is to have 5 different opionions and advice being thrown at me, and in the end I am the only one to make the decisions. I could talk about confusion and crying and the want to just curl up in a ball in the corner and cry until I vomited. I could talk about that man and how much I despise him and how angry he could make me feel if I allowed it to grow inside. I could talk about how scared I was this morning to send them to school again, in case they are taken again. I fear. I fear so much I cant even put it into words....

Or second. I could come from the spirit point of view and say how i was challenged. A challenge that will make me stronger and wiser. A challenge that will, in time, teach my children more wisdom and strength. How we need to listen to our hearts in such logical chaos to figure out what to do. I could talk about how i know that I have all I need to work through this challenge, and that with love and light I will do the right thing and that ultimately I am safe, as are my children. I could talk about how we need to remain positive, even in the most trying times. We need to look forwards and decide on action. This has occurred, now deal with it in the best way you can. I could say how things can only get better. I could talk about how I asked and prayed for spirits to support and guide me. How I stood strong and tall. I could talk about how I believe that everything happens for a reason, a divine reason and that we will grow divinely from it.

I can tell you I had my son returned to me Sunday night. Thank God.

I can tell you that I believe justice will be done.

A reminder on my lizard totem

2007-07-19T14:10:00.000+10:00

Dreaming

Lizard medicine is the shadow side of reality where your dreams are reviewed before you manifest them physically.

If you have a Lizard totem, listen to our own intuition above anyone else's.Pay attention to your dreams for they show us what we do not perceive when awake.Dreams are shadows showing your fears and hopes. Make a dream log and record your dreams. Look for your symbolic and reoccurring dreams and study them carefully.
Lizard can also teach you to become more detached in life. Sometimes it is necessary to separate yourself from others to accomplish what is necessary. Lizard helps you awaken the ability for objective detachment. It can show you how to break from the past.

A busy rabbit

2007-07-19T14:07:00.001+10:00

Scurry, scurry, worry, worry,

Like the hare I run about,

Busy, busy, in a tizzy,

I only hear the voice without.

Quiet, hare. Do not despair.

The voice within is strong and sure.

If you just listen, you'll learn your mission,

Be confident and self-assured.

My contribution to writing

2007-07-16T10:50:00.000+10:00

My contribution to the writers group that I'm in. I think I'll join the members in having my "writers profile" published next month... what do you think?

Writers Profile:
I'm quiet new to this group and havent as yet attended any of the readings or events, I have lived here in [city ommitted] all my life.I am just getting used to calling myself a writer, I havent used that title for very long, but I do like the sound of it. I am a writer amongst many other things. I also wear the hat of a mother, an entrepreneur, a personal assistant, a dancer,a loving partner, and a Reiki Master Healer.

I havent always been a writer. Through school I excelled as a numbers person, maths and computers saw me earn my Bachelor of Science in Information Technology. I then spent many years as a Software Engineer; I discovered that I particually enjoyed writing the specifications, requirements, analasysis and user manuals more than I did the acutal programming - which is very unusual for a programer! I found the passion for writing.

I wrote a monthly garden design column a local newspaper for a couple of years whilst I ran my own Landscape Design business. My passion for writing grew as I wrote the column and design specifications.

I embarked on a journey of enlightenment and self discovery and through that my journal became my best friend. I wrote daily, page after page of my life experiences, my pain, my joys and my personal growth. I found the power of writing.

Now I am writing a book, for many reasons; for my love of writing, for the power of writing, for myself, for my children, and for all women out there who I can inspire to love themselves enough to enjoy life and leave the pain behind - you don't have to live like that anymore.

- Linda Marie

colours - I love colours

2007-06-25T11:15:00.000+10:00

Each colour is so powerful and beautiful in its own right.
Red
Orange
Yellow
Green
Blue
Indigo
Purple
...............

Insights

2007-06-25T11:09:00.000+10:00

On the weekend I saw “The Bridge to Terabithia” – good movie, but very emotional. I cried for the whole second half of the movie! My son kept looking at me, telling me “it’s just a movie mum”. It struck an emotional cord with me, i cried.

I’m reading a book called “Your money or your life”, I’m not going to give a review or opinion of the book, but I was reading a section on the weekend that gets you to evaluate whether you’re spending is in alignment with your values and life purpose. It then poses many questions to ponder over in order to define and understand your values, integrity and life purpose.

For me, this expanded way past my spending habits. I applied it to all parts of life. Is everything I’m doing in alignment with my life purpose and what I stand for? - I have some changes to make.

I must stop making poor excuses for not writing my book. I must write my book, everyday, I have to do it and finish it. It screamed at me strongly – WRITE THE BOOK. So Saturday night and Sunday night, I spent a lot of time writing. I love it, I do enjoy writing and I NEED to write this book. So I’m back on track again now.

Any publishers out there who want to publish my auto-biography? It tells the story of me transforming from being abused, fearful and hateful and controlled (by my husband) to self loving, self confident, personally empowered and standing up for myself (and a single mum) Finding my way out of the darkness and into the light – and being grateful for my journey (not resentful and guilty and ashamed). Grateful that I can now love life so much more than if i had never been in the dark.

I would love for a publisher to pick me up now and pay me while I finish this book!
Please, is there any agents out there?

Oztion

2007-06-21T09:49:00.000+10:00

Its Cold!

2007-06-20T09:26:00.000+10:00

Its Cold! Its very very cold. I'm not ready for winter. I've had enough of winter. I'm ready to either now go to Queensland or just skip to Spring.

I know, I know... we have to endure the winter months...it's good for us......

isn't it?

I sometimes seem to go the wrong way down a one-way street.

2007-06-11T10:00:00.001+10:00

My brother only wants me when he wants something. He will only visit and chat if he really needs something from me. When he needs me we are the best of friends, we talk and talk about everything and anything. I love him. The weeks that he doesnt need me, he doesnt call. I call and he doesnt answer. Or he says only one word answers, he tells me he has no time to visit or chat. He tells me I cant visit because he doesnt know what time he'll be home or where he'll be when.

I called him the other day, I wanted to chat, I wanted to see how he was. It was the first anniversary of our dad passing. He was abrupt. He was cold. He couldnt just chat to me like we used to. He didnt need me that day! Fuck him! Thinks he can treat me like a rag, just toss me out when he chooses, and use me to clean up the mess when he needs. Fuck him!

I know he'll be there when I really NEED him. I can rely on him. But what about when I have no problems, what about when I am happy and cruising? Cant we still talk? Laugh? Enjoy life?

Its not about 'need'. Relationships can exist on the love for each other. A feeling of compassion, friendliness, togetherness, experiences. Relationships shouldnt be about NEEDS all the time. A mutual existance. To be there for each other. Fuck him!

No more one-way relationships!!!

(It's harder when its family though)

Think about all those people who never ever ever call you, you always have to call them? Are they worth it? Do they really want to be freinds with you? Think about all those people who only want you when they need something? Are they there for you when you want to talk?

Are you being used?

And what about those people who you love but they think they are only here to help you? What happens when you dont need help, but you just want to love them on a mutual level? What about when you want to help them and they refuse it? A one-way relationship. I'm over them.

Who am I? I am me again now.

2007-06-07T09:21:00.001+10:00

I changed my surname a couple of months ago. I reverted back to my "maiden name".

So I am now explaining to everyone that I have returned to my "maiden name". I've decided that I now hate the term "maiden name". It is my real name, my birth name. It is who I really, really am. It's not just another name for a name. It was easier than I thought to change back (legally). I am very happy to be me again.

I've decided that i will not change my name again. Even if I marry again, I'm keeping everything offical and legal in my real name!

I am who I am. I will remain who I am. I will retain my own birth identity!

I used to dislike my name. I didnt like my first name. I didnt like my middle name. When I decided to begin blogging I definately did not want my surname (married surname) as part of my name at all. So I used my first and middle. It grew on me, I began to like my name again. I used my names more and more with out a surname. I had decided that I didnt want to be known as that surname (that marriage) anymore.

And now that I've returned fully to my real name, I feel very happy and complete.

Who am I? I am me again now.

2007-06-07T09:21:00.000+10:00

Death is change

2007-05-23T13:55:00.000+10:00

My tarot reading today:

"In the professional realm, try to make the best of the ideas and inspirations that come to you. Under the influence of Death and Judgement your mind is very alert, and your intuition sharp and accurate. It would be unsurprising therefore if you came up with some truly original suggestions today, and it would be a great shame to let it go unnoticed. You have what it takes to work out a strategy that will give you more freedom, while at the same time providing better revenue or income. So, it's well worth giving it some thought."

how can it be?

2007-05-16T09:36:00.000+10:00

How can it be that it has been so long since i posted? It's been a hell of a month! The past 3 weeks have been very challenging and difficult. I havent written, but I should have.
My aunty died. On the day of her funeral, my son turned 10. My son had an emotional difficult time. My daughter told horrible lies that hurt people close to me. I broke up with my partner. We got back together. We nearly broke up again and sat talking for 6 hours till 3am in the morning until we worked it out. We DO love each other. I got sick, really sick for a week, fought a virus and slept for a whole week. I had some brilliant new ideas for my business "indigo angels". I graduated and am now a Reiki Master Healer!!!!!! Yes!!!

Its been very challenging. I have learnt alot about myself and others. I am now a stronger and wiser person.

Wow, alot has happened in the past 3 weeks. Wow. I survived.

to be wealthy....

2007-04-23T10:41:00.000+10:00

I began reading a book today, "The natural history of The Rich - a field guide" by richard conniff. Very interesting. I've only read the intro and half of the first chapter, but I've already found something I like, on disucssing what 'wealth' means, how to define 'wealth', one opionion was:
"He defined wealth essentially as contentment with your lot: "My opionion of wealth is to be able to own whatever it is you have, at whatever level. If you have $50 million and you're racing around bloddy well killing yourself and basically a slave to that which you are striving for, I would not count that as wealth in any shape or form"".

I like that. I make the decision and I choose to own whatever it is I have. I will not live a slave to the bank.

Traffic lights

2007-04-18T11:28:00.000+10:00

A guy that I work with made an interesting observation today. He was expressing his frustrations with using computers. He said that "computers are like traffic lights". He went on to explain that whilst trying to complete tasks using computers, the computer tells us when we can proceed, when we have to wait (for it), how fast we can go, how long it will take us to complete the task. He says his next job will be not with computers!Obviously this guy wants to move at his own speed, he is ambitious and doesnt want to be slowed and dictated to by computers anymore. But I asked him what his next job would be, he had no idea. So he cant be THAT ambitious. He has no idea what he wants to move on to!

But yes, this job I am in feels like a traffic light to me. It is slowing me down, it is stopping me from doing things I want to move on to, but on the positive, it is providing me with saftey and security.And acutally, part of me, when I am not on the highway of employment, is travelling the backroads - free of traffic lights (but full of bends) and I am travelling to where I want to be. I'll be off the controlled highway soon!

Where are your traffic lights?

Let me out, I am free!

2007-03-27T14:14:00.000+10:00

My horoscope today:: Today you're likely to find your routine too boring for words, Linda, and have a sudden powerful urge to cut loose and play some serious hooky. Still, you may feel the pull of obligation. This feeling should pass. If it persists beyond today, however, you might need to re-evaluate certain areas of your life. There are lots of opportunities out there, and life is too short to be stuck in a situation that doesn't allow you to grow.

Hell yes!!! I need a new career!!! I need my own business!!!! Where is THE opportunity for ME?????? Show it to me PLEASE!!!!! Today, Now!

the coffee is good here....

2007-03-22T11:50:00.000+11:00

Most morning where i work, I go to buy a take away coffee. I could buy a coffee upstairs in the resturant, I could have it in a ceramic cup with a saucer, I could sit at a clean table on a comy chair. But I choose to buy a take away, not because of time or convience, but because it is so much nicer. I usually do not buy takeaway coffee, usually I do not like my coffee in a takeaway cardboard cup. But here, the lady downstairs can make coffee so much better than the lady
upstairs. The cardboard cup is definately worth the better coffee! Same brand of coffee by the way. Actually, there are two coffee machines and two coffee makers downstairs. One machine has an a-frame sign near by, "Express Coffee". In the peak coffee time morning, you can get your coffee faster there. But I queue up at the slower machine, where people want to buy more than coffee and the queue is longer, but the coffee is proven to be exactly as I like it every day, by the same lady. It is worth the wait, it is worth the cardboard. With my takeaway coffee I sit inside if the weather is uncomfortable. Inside the chairs are hard plastic and the tables show evidence of being used recently, but the coffee is worth it. On a sunny day, I sit outside, on hard wooden seats,
shared with the dust and birds, but the coffee is worth it. Once I took it back to my office, but it wasnt the same, it wasnt really a break for starters. Where ever i sit, I enjoy watching the people and birds, I enjoy the greeness of the trees, i enjoy the sun, the freshair, I enjoy being outside and free.

I Believe

2007-03-22T11:19:00.000+11:00

I believe I can,
I believe I will,

I BELIEVE IN ME!

A new car....

2007-03-08T10:06:00.000+11:00

I want a new car, I know exactly what I want, I've wanted it for over 2 years now. I am grateful for the car I have now, but it is temporary. I will buy the car I want. The money will come to me somehow, in some divine and unexpected way. The car I want, I want it for me. Because I deserve to have what I want, I deserve to travel in style, I deserve to have good things. I deserve to travel in comfort.
I dont want it for status or to look rich, I dont need to keep up with the Jones. I would be happy to keep it all to myself and not tell anyone what car I have. I want it for me. I deserve it. I am asking for the car, how will it come to me? I cant wait to find out!! :-)

The car is now mine, I now have the energy of the car with me. The physical manifestation is on its way.

I have the brochers of the car, I have the web page displayed on my PC. I feel myself driving the car, I see myself driving the car, I see it in my garage. I see my pink ipod in it. I see me in it. i'm going to go and sit in one at the showroom tommorow!

money, money, money.....

2007-02-28T10:06:00.000+11:00

So now I'm thinking about the money. Money is such a big issue in our lives. Everything has a priority, where do we spend our money first? Everyones priority on spending is different. And when the priority is low, we say it is expensive. 'Expensive' is a personal opionion! Everyones idea of what is and is not expensive is different.
Private school is becoming difficult for me in terms of money. Brilliant education for my daughter, brilliant discipline. But I'm having a personal problem with the money. So in my mind at the moment it is either , private school for my daughter each year OR holidays overseas each year. I'm for the holidays! I'd rather spend my hard earnt and hard saved money on holidays rather than a private school. OR I'd rather spend it on a better home for us as well. A little selfish? Yes. I've a bloody hard time of it the past few years. Its time I enjoy the life I want to live. I will have a better home, and holidays. I will have a well behaved and adjusted little girl too.... but maybe I can help her without a private school.

Its private.

2007-02-21T09:11:00.000+11:00

What to write, oh what to write today?
I cant pick a topic today.
Today I am at work again. Yesterday I was in court (again).
I have a big decision to make, should I change schools for my daughter? She needs the qualities of a private school, she is now in a public school. She is 8 years old. She needs help. Help that I can no longer give on my own. By the time she is in high school, she'll need lots more help - it will be too late then. If I dont move her into this particular school now, I think I will regret it in her teen years. The issue - can I take on the financial commitment of this private school for the next 9 years? Its only money - right? Somehow I will find enough to pay for it - right? If it is really the right thing to do, then the universe will provide for me to make the means for it to happen - right? If I really had lots of money I'd send my son too. Can I take on the financial commitment for both of them? He will surivive the public system. Is it not fair to give him an advantage?
I always had a strong opionon. for years I have been saying "my kids will never go to a private school. I will never pay for a private school. It is not necessary". I take it back!!!! I was wrong. My daughter needs it.
Please, send me the signs, lead the way, show me what is the right thing to do.

I know what the right thing is to do. Enrol her now.

Leaving

2007-02-14T14:31:00.001+11:00

I am here again. Again, seated in this old swivel chair that never seems to have the capability to completely adjust to comfort and support my long body. The view in front of me is of a dull grey computer, boring white papers and the walls. The walls are cold. The air is quite warm, but the colour, the colour of the walls, the stark whiteness along with the years of collected grime, is cold. The energy is stale. The energy affects my mood, in this room, I feel numb, I feel like I don’t want to talk to anyone. I feel unmotivated to achieve anything. This room puts me in an unsociable mood, I stare into space and think only about being out of this room. I dream of all the things I could do if I wasn’t here. Of course, outside this room is everything I want. I want colour, I want laughter, I want warmth and love, and I want to feel the energy of excitement, challenges and possibilities in motion. In the adjoining offices I hear voices discussing opinionated trivial matters, they are happy to be here, or they at least pretend to be. I have no work to do, nothing to distract me from thinking I don’t want to be here. Nothing to speed up the relativity of time and to make the clock disappear for view for a few minutes.

When I close my eyes, I feel the warm air and see the sunlight generating it. I see the vivid greenness of the grass to my right, I see the café window to my left and the colourful paving beneath my feet, extending along the street and around the corner. I smell the addictive aroma of coffee and feel the familiarity of the cup in my hand. I hear the laughter of ladies, gentlemen and children, enjoying the delights of a day promising possibilities that were dreamt of yesterday. I feel the energy of love. I feel a smile on my aging face and excitement in my heart.

I open my eyes and return to disappointment. But today is not the day to leave.

I did my best

2007-02-14T09:26:00.000+11:00

I havent been near a computer for 9 days. My nana passed away last week; Last week I attended court and had to stand in the witness box and speak (OMG it was scary) - only hours after being given the news of my nana, it was hard. I had two meetings with my solictior - yuk. I got sick... and I had to attend a funeral. I had to face relatives that I hadnt seen in years, I had to face relatives that I didnt want to see, I had to keep an eye on my brother and make sure he was ok in his grieving. I had to grieve myself. A very difficult week!

My dads mum died. My dad died only 8 months ago. It is hard losing another connection to him so soon, while I still grieve over the loss of my dad. Its hard losing a nana who I wish I'd spent more time with, phoned more.... I forgive myself. I did my best.

These challenges are opportunites for growth. I have gained new insights, new knowlege and a greater strength through them. Life gets better each and every day.

Smile :-)

Perfect coffee

2007-01-31T13:28:00.000+11:00

Of course everything is perfect, in perfect divine timing, each challenge being an opportunity to grow, to learn from, to become stronger and wiser. You cann't rush some things, they must take their course, must take their time, there are lessons to be learnt and wisdom to be gained.... and of course coffee to be drunk....!

Complexities

2007-01-31T13:12:00.000+11:00

Thankyou to Rosanna for prompting me to write. You know, each and every day I want to write on this blog. I dont have time each and every day, wish I did. My life is very busy and complex at the moment, although I am working very hard on making it simpler, each day I get closer to a more simple life. Unfortunately it involves my solicitor, tons of legal documents, and many court room visits that are lined up over the next few months. But yes, each day I get closer to my goal.

I am excited about the future. Excited about the day this complexity is sorted and complete. Excited about the day when I can throw myself fully into new ventures and goals in life.

So today (and all these current days) I work on the past - clearing up the mess, dealing with the ugly prick rearing its ugly head; I work on the present - running a household, being the best mum I can be, enjoying time with my new love, and enduring my job; I work on the future - a new career, a business owner, a published writer, fullfilling all my dreams

I am writing my book, it is a constant focus I have now, I wish I had more time for it. But I'm doing the best I can right now. A publisher will land on my door step one day soon! And in the year 2008 my book will be a published best seller!! Wish me luck.

too hot

2007-01-25T15:57:00.000+11:00

dont you just hate it when you buy a coffee and it is just too hot! I bought one today!

by the time you burn your lips and tounge 6 times, you just dont want the bloddy thing when it is cool enough to drink... and you've already eaten your snack you were having with it....

Hot water

2007-01-17T10:39:00.000+11:00

My horoscope yesterday:

Here's your horoscope for JANUARY 16, 2007.

Libra: You delay, you procrastinate, you are simply lazy. You take longer to do things than most people, Linda. Why? Consider the fact that you may be scared of taking the next step. Perhaps you are scared of facing the truth. Perhaps you are scared of making the next decision. By the time you are ready to move, you hope that someone else has already decided which way you should go. This method has probably gotten you far, but perhaps not in the direction you need to be going.

So true, I followed other peoples advice yesterday on handling a situation. I didnt want to face it fully myself, yes, scared of facing the truth, procrastinating. But, it got me into hot water. It put me in a worse situation that I didnt want to be in. So last night I did alot of thinking, working it all out. I had to move away from other peoples advice and opionions and figure out, what do I want? What direction to I want to take? Just me, forget everyone else. Just me, what do I need? I know now.

And todays horoscope:

Hello Linda!Here's your horoscope for JANUARY 17, 2007.

Libra Date of Birth XX: Suddenly things are coming together in a whole new way - a way that you hadn't anticipated, Linda. Brainstorming ideas can prove to be extremely rewarding at a time like this. There is likely to be a surge of new thoughts that spring from nowhere. The truth is that you had the solutions all along. All you needed was the spark of inspiration to draw the solutions out. That spark is most certainly on its way on a day like today.

Horray, I wonder what today will bring?

Bursting

2007-01-15T11:05:00.000+11:00

Something inside me is bursting to get out. What is it? It is creativity, it is freedom to express, freedom to inspire. It is colours, words, laughter, form, energy. I am back in this stark office, boxed in. I am boxed in. I am not sure of the outlet I need to let out what is inside me. How will I express it? How will I shine my light? How will I inspire others? What form? What avenue? What path? What medium? What time? I'm bursting, I need to be out of here, I need to be creating for the world to see.
It, it inside me has been there a long time, I've felt it building up, pressure getting stronger. Now it is uncomfortable. I'm about to burst. Help. Show me the way.

Bliss

2006-12-21T10:02:00.000+11:00

Today, last day of work before Christmas, yeh. Then I'm off on holiday, camping for a couple of weeks, yeh! Cant wait to get away from the rat race, from the housework and christmas shopping, cant wait to get way from all the legal documents i have to deal with in my life. A couple of weeks, at one with nature, free and experiencing pure bliss.

Today i sit here, looking at the depressing walls. Its quite, most people are already on leave, the only work I have to do is the work that I most do not want to do. So I sit here and think about what I'll do when I leave. Its a hot day, and the air is thick with smoke (from the bushfires in the state). Tonight we will go to williamstown for a coffee and cake. Cant wait, it will be lovely, nice and warm and at the same time feeling the coolness of the bay. The atmosphere will be happy, happy people enjoying life! And I'll stare into the eyes of my new love and the rest of the world wont exist....

all i want

2006-12-18T10:06:00.000+11:00

i am still afraid, i still feel fear

Silent tears

2006-12-14T13:23:00.000+11:00

To have your eyes well up with tears, that slowly overflow and fall down your cheeks when someone has offered to help you. I know how it feels, I've experienced it many many times. They come from self-pity. Feeling sorry for your self that you need help, that you couldnt do it on your own, that you failed in someway. They come from a low self image that says no one would want to help me.They come from overwhelming gratitude that someone wants to help you. They come from a truth that you are truely loved and you deserve love and that you dont have to do it alone.

Tears are healing, tears are realising truths, tears release fears, tears water a little flower inside us helping it to grow.

same old walls again

2006-12-14T09:44:00.000+11:00

And so I am at work again today, staring at the same old walls. the computer is my window, the internet displays infinite possibilities, exciting colours and dreams waiting to be explored...

The wallls are white with light blue trimmings. The white is a cold white, stark, and dirty. The light blue is icy cold, a colour that portrays illness, lifeless. The grey carpet is, well its grey, but its dirty and worn and old. With mission brown door handles and shelves on the walls straight out of the 1970s. Empty shelves with a couple of fallen folders - depressing. The air is cold in here, it is 30 degrees outside - sunny and hot, but here I sit with a jumper on and tense muscles to keep warm.

Yes, a wonderful colourful world awaits me, it is beckoning me to it. Christmas is very close now, then a camping holiday in the great outdoors, freedom, at one with the elements. It will be hard to come back to this place.

my own colourful world awaits me...

2006-12-13T10:21:00.000+11:00

I'm at work, but dont want to be here, dont want to be working. I want to be creating my own world, a colourful world, I want to be writing my book, I want to be laughing with friends, I want to feel the sun on my face and hear the birds laughing too. I want to run free with my imagination and do what I want to do... I dont want to be here working (in a cold, drab, depressing, office where I can only hear construction workers banging, sawing, drilling and destroying the shit out of concrete and metal, where I can only see this screen and depressing blank walls.)

writing

2006-12-04T10:45:00.000+11:00

I need to write, its time to write my manuscript. An autobiography of my life, but really in particular the past 3 years. Yes the past 3 years, my shift from darkness to the light. I have all the journals and plans and ideas, I've written and written over the past years. Now it is time to put it all together and have it published. I'm asking for an agent, a publisher to come my way.... my intention is to make this happen now.... I'm asking for the means to support me in my writing.... so it is done, so mote it be.

...

2006-11-27T14:56:00.000+11:00

Smile!

You'll feel better, the world will feel better...

Weeding

2006-11-15T10:45:00.000+11:00

I've been weeding, weeding my life. Just as in the garden. Remove those things, people and situations that are weeds. They are ugly, they do not create beauty in your life, you do not admire them and they constantly suck out the goodness that could other wise be used for a flower to bloom. Only keep the flowers, bloom, shine and grow beautiful. Remove the weeds, you do not need them.

I feel so much better now, I've discarded some people from my life, those who only ever upset me and put me down.

Your life needs constant weeding, only flowers should be seen.

Why?

2006-11-02T16:05:00.000+11:00

Why do I allow people to throw shit at me? Why do I allow them to accuse me of things I did not do? Why do I allow them to make their own assumptions about me and my life without finding out the truth? Why do I allow them to verbally punch me in the guts where it hurts most? Why do I just smile and say nothing whilst feeling the anger inside me? Why do I then express that anger to someone else? Why do I not throw the frustations, lies and anger straight back at them, when I should? Why do I not put them back in their place and stand up for myself?

Because I'm too nice. Because I am not a bitch. Because I am not going to argue and play childish bully games like they do. Because I am better than that, and I deserve better. Because I feel compassion and I forgive people. Because in the end it doesnt really matter what they think or believe, it is what I know and how I live my life.

Fuck them!

A kiss

2006-11-02T10:15:00.000+11:00

A kiss can be so sweet, it says so many things, it makes everything OK, it makes wonderful sensations in your heart, a kiss can be so sweet. A kiss can stop time.

perfect journeys

2006-10-25T12:00:00.000+10:00

You know, everything is perfect. All information comes to us perfectly; exactly what we need, exactly when we need it. Everything is manifested perfectly as we request it. Divine timing. It may not seem like it some days, or in the moment, but look back, think about it, all is perfect. An opportunity to grow from the mistakes and happenings, an opportunity to cease the way forwards and to make things happen.

We are perfectly aligned with our paths..... be grateful.

With humility, gratitude and love I accept that I am perfectly aligned with my path.

...and remember, we have to spend some time in the dark so as we can then recognise, see and be grateful for the light!

Allow your brilliance to shine, shine your light on others.... allow them to see the light

power and freedom

2006-10-25T11:49:00.000+10:00

A day of reflection today.... cant get motivated to work..... not a day of action, just thinking, planning, dreaming, analysing, deciding what I like in my life and dont like...... what will I keep? what should I discard? what should I change? what should I do? I'm floating, floating on a dream cloud today, I'm happy, I'm content. I should make some lists.... take some action, not today, today plan action. All is good.

I have the power and freedom to create the life I love to see and live in.
I have the power and freedom to create the life I love to see and live in.
I have the power and freedom to create the life I love to see and live in.

.... and so do you!

Love thru txt

2006-10-19T14:05:00.000+10:00

A sample of txt messages:

Darl i cant wait 2 c u 2nite. I miss u so much.

Darl I LOVE U LOTS MY PRINCESS.

Darl ur the best gorgeous irrasitable spunky sexy scrumshus beautiful princess in the whole wide. My eyes r focused on u and the rest of the world is a blur. I cant c anybody else but u cos ur my princess 4 ever and ever and ever. Lots of kisses hugs and smiles. X0X0X0X0X0 :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) XOXOXOXO :-) :-)

Everything I say 2 u i mean and it comes from every bit of my heart. I LOVE U LOTS xxx

Ur my princess 4 ever.

Darl keep smiling my love.

Darl i love u. I want 2 share my life with u 4ever. Darl when im with u my heart flutters and
when where not 2gether my heart misses u. Darl my heart and soul knows that we'l b 2gether 4ever. I will try and b the perfect male the most romantic person i will continuously care 4 u. U r my princess and i want 2 make u my queen. I love u and i miss u. XXX

I love u 2 my princess. xxx

I noticed that ur more beautiful 2day then u were yesterday and any other day. Love u with al my heart and soul. XXX

Darl I LOVE U LOTSXXX

Its hard 2 find the words 2 express how we feel 4 each other. I love u so much and i miss u lots. XXX

Darl im just reminding u that ur so beautiful and that I love u with al my heart. XXX :-)

Darl thank u. I love u lots. XXX :-)

Darl r u smiling still?

Darl i love u so much! XX :-)

Thankyou my love. I want 2 live with u 4 the rest of my life and i could get married 2 u. Thats how i feel. my heart is yrs 4ever. Iv never felf like this b4 my love.

Darl im so comfy with u. I can talk 2 u about anything. Ive made me so happy and i feel iv done the same 4 u. U have 2 beautiful kids and i hope they can accept me 4 who i am and that i love u with al my heart and the il never hurt them or take u away from them. Yr my life. we r 2 people at the moment but as time goes by we can join as one and we can grow old 2gether my love XXXX :-)

Darl i love u lots and lots 2. U dont no how my body feels when u tel me u love me. I turn 2 jelly my love. Every day i think about u. There hasnt been a day gone by that i havent thought u and my love 4 u gets stronger and stronger 4 u. My strength heart soul and love is al yrs thats if u want it all. XXX

Darl u r so sexy spunky beautiful loving caring irrasitable gorgeous and wonderful lady and yr al mine. I want u 4ever and ever. Is that Ok my love. XX

I LOOOOVE UUUUUU. XXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOXXXXXXXOOOOO AND IM SOOOOO HAPPY :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

I love u lots and lots and lots. XX

Darl did you no that ur so beautiful!

Darl i love u so much!! XX :-)

Darl ur the most beautiful rose and princess in the world.

i miss u so much. U r my rose that i planted a month ago. I wil make sure u grow stronger and make sure u r always flowering. u wil always b happy and smiling I will care 4 u and love u 4 ever my rose.

Yr the best cos u respect me u care 4 me and u r honest 2 me and y i love u is when i look into yr eyes i see a person with a big heart and wants someone 2 share it with. I love u cos u r kind considerate caring and al the above and most of all u r honest. Thats why i love. My heart is yrs. XX.

Smile!

2006-10-12T10:51:00.000+10:00

"A smile costs nothing but gives much. It enriches those who receive without making poorer those who give. It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever. None is so rich or mighty that he cannot get along without it and none is so poor that he cannot be made rich by it. Yet a smile cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone until it is given away. Some people are too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give. ~Author Unknown"

The idea of love...

2006-10-12T09:52:00.000+10:00

I know the difference, between the idea of love and actual love.
I have been in love with the idea, the feeling of having someone caring for you, wanting to be with you, paying you attention, sending you lovely txt messages....it was all very exciting, but i didnt love the person at all. I didnt want to tell anyone about him, I was embarassed, it just didnt feel good.

So now, there is something better, you dont have to settle for second best.

Now I want the whole world to know, I am in love! Totally, absolutley, not just with the idea of love, but with love on the most deepest level of the soul.

WOW!

2006-10-04T09:18:00.000+10:00

He gave me 22 red roses yesterday!!!!!!!!!

Why 22? Because he tells me that is how many were left in the store!!

No one has EVER bought me flowers like that before!!!!

I'm in love!

2006-10-02T12:01:00.000+10:00

I'M IN LOVE! I want to shout it to the world! I'm in love and the feeling is mutual. A hole in my heart has been completely filled. I'm floating on a cloud of love!

Life is wonderfully brilliant!!!!!

2006-10-02T11:25:00.000+10:00

I am sooooo happy, I've just had the most fantastic week. A new door opened, and in order to walk through it, I had to close one behind me. So I closed the door, I had known that it had to closed, but it was hard to do when I could not see what the next step was, when I could only see a blinding white infinite space with no more doors.
So as soon as I saw the next door, I moved on. It is scary, fear always keeps coming up with new opportunites and the unknown. My heart, my inner wisdom told me it was the best thing for me and that it was safe. I walked through, man am I happy!!!! It was just what I ordered.
Put your intentions out there, know what you want, ask for it with gratitude and love, believe you have it, believe you deserve it, the universe will provide it for you and show you way to have it. Becareful what you wish for.... because you just might get it!!!!!!! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Another word of advice, if someone really wants to help you and to support you, please let them do it. They are an angel, they have been sent to you. As hard as it may be, let go of pride and ego, see the truth and accept the support, it is what you need and will make you life absolutely brilliant! It is all meant to be!

Close your eyes, follow your heart.... you just can't go wrong.

Questions

2006-09-16T19:59:00.000+10:00

So what if there was no 'next week'?
What if there was to be no someone better. There is no better.
Do you wait till next week for something better?
What if it didn't come? Would you regret passing up the opportunity of today?

What does the 'something better' have that today doesnt? Do you really, really need that something better? Do you already have it?
Look hard, look deep, you may find that you already have it and don't need it at all.

What's the worse thing that could happen? And if it did happen, how are you going to deal with it? Will you survive? Is it really that bad?

Decisions, love or fear? truth or illusion?

Only when you do not need it....

2006-09-14T14:13:00.000+10:00

I am now a free spirit, I dont 'need' anything or anyone.
Need, what do we need? Do we need anything or is it just an illusion we tell ourselves. I suppose we need air to breath, the sun to warm us, the water to flush us and the fire for our desire to continue and the earth from which we arise and return. But what else do we need?
You can look at it in that we have all we need. You cant get something unless you already have it. We only get respect when we respect ourselves, we can only be loved when we love ourselves, we can only have a friend when we can be friends within ourselves, we can only receive abundance when we are grateful for the abundance that we already are. We can only recieve compliments when we know how to compliment ourselves, in our own mind and hearts.

Only then, only when you know you have everything that you need, you are ready to share with another. Only when you know you are free, are you ready to be partnered. And then, when you are partnered, you must still remain free, that is important, to retain your freedom and personal empowerment. No one can take it from you, remember that. No one can take it, you can give it away, but I strongly recommend that you dont. Keep it, for once you have found it, hold it dearly to your heart and dont give it. Show people how to find theirs for themselves, but dont ever give it away.

When you do not need it, then you can have it, and you will recieve it.

Desperation is fear that you'll never have it, desperation will ensure that you never do.
Desperation is a state of despair; despair is a loss of hope; the loss of hope is a loss of faith, a loss of belief.

When you do not need it, then you can have it, and you will recieve it.

Blessed be

Dancing around friendships

2006-08-31T15:34:00.000+10:00

It's intersting, think of all the people you know. People that are so different to you, people that have so many different views, values, beliefs and intersts to your own. But yet, when with these people, you can be brilliant friends, happy to see them, egar to chat. To chat about that one thing you have in common, that one thing that associates you as knowing them. Of course, sometimes you may develop other common interests, but there is one connecting point. And you think, now, if it wasnt for that connecting point, I really wouldnt want to know them, we wouldnt be friends. And you probably dont want to spend anymore time with them than what you do, just that few minutes or hours is enough for the week or month or year! you dont want to spend time with them in any other context or environment. Happy to see them, happy to chat and have fun, then very happy to go your own way again. So many people touch our lives in so many different ways. They are all there for us to learn from, to grow from, different experiences to show us a more enlightened way.

Accept that, accept that each and every 'friend' is unique in the experience to us, we dont owe them anything, we are not obligated to them.

Give them what you want to give them, take from them what is offered for you to take and that is it.

page 91

2006-08-03T12:58:00.000+10:00

"... early spring... children, especially the youngest ones who were only just realizing they were alive, ran and skipped and played with the energy that would quadruple their weight, and triple their height and double their joy if, years from now, they could just remember what this remarkable day was like." - Book of Shadows by Phyllis Curott

And Guess what?

2006-07-26T14:16:00.000+10:00

It is done. Write out your intentions, very precisely and very clearly. Make them practical, exactly what you intend to happen. Make it for the highest good of all concerned and from the heart of love and light, from the divine consciousness. Then believe, have faith, live as if they are coming your way and you know it. You know it. Keep reminding the universe that your intentions are clear and you still desire them, exactly as you wrote. .... and it is done.

Yippy!!!! I am so happy! It is awesome!

Keep looking forward, dealing with what you manifested, focus on the good and the changes, move forwards, keep going with the momentum! Retain your faith, write new intentions and achieve, believe, succeed!

It is done

2006-07-13T13:35:00.000+10:00

Feeling better now. I've picked my self up (with the help of a good friend under my arm pits) and said 'hey what am I going to do about this?' I have some new goals, new straegies in dealing with the unwanted. I've put out alot of very clear intentions into the universe and asked for help from my higher consciousness and guides. Reminded my self of who I really am and discovered the truth and looked to the light. I'm going to start living as if I already have what I want. I have faith that it will manifest. It is done, it is done, it is done.

"good"

2006-07-05T09:45:00.000+10:00

So everyone says 'good morning' this morning and asks 'how are you?' I say 'good'. But I am not good, I cant tell people that I am not good. I dont like to lie. I feel like crying. Crying because I have to lie to people about how I am, and cry because I am not feeling good. You have to say 'good', otherwise you have to explain yourself.
Please do not ask me how I am today!

Falling apart

2006-07-05T09:27:00.000+10:00

I feel like falling apart, it would be easy. But it would not be right. I think I am falling apart. But I should pick up the pieces now before I loose them.
I have a big decision to make, it is too hard. Please show me the signs to the answer. I want to know, I want material evidence of the right thing to do. I want it to hit me in the face, so it is easy. What is the answer?

I just dont know

2006-07-03T10:11:00.000+10:00

So much has changed, so many new things to do, I feel like I'm in the middle of it all. I am the sensible one, the logical and strong one. Sometimes it is too hard, it would be easier to curl up in the corner and cry - like I used to. But now I have it together, or maybe sometimes I pretend I have it together. What now? I dont know. Well I do know, but....

everyone has a different opionion, a different view, a different secret or speculation. I seem to know what everyone else is thinking, they tell me. I listen and that is all I'll do. I'll listen. I wont input, I wont judge. I'll listen. And what will I do... well.. the highest good for all concerned, of course.

Death...

2006-06-20T10:39:00.000+10:00

My dad died,
Unexpectedly and instantly on Friday 9th June 2006. He was only 59 years old.
He's no longer sitting in his favorite lounge chair, in front of the television, in his home,
He's no longer on the end of the telephone when I pick it up, to call, to ask for advice, or to tell of my successes, my triumphs, my joy,
He will no longer be there when it rings and I wonder who it may be,
He's no longer there to tell me it will be OK,
He's no longer in his shop, smiling and joking with the customers, making everyone feel good,
He's no longer going to respond to my emails, or send me funny jokes,
He's no longer going to send my daughter faxes, pictures for her to colour in,
He's no longer making his beautiful music for all to hear,
He's no longer going to take me out for dinner and share a bottle of wine,
He's no longer on the end of the telephone.
But,
He is in my heart,
His music is still ringing in my ears,
His words of advice are still running around in my head,
His smile is still in my eyes,
His spirit is still part of my soul,

I miss my dad. I love my dad.

We are all meant to shine

2006-06-01T09:42:00.000+10:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciouslygive other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,our presence automatically liberates others."
a return to love - marianne williamson

The third eye

2006-05-29T13:39:00.000+10:00

... the third eye, which gives me the knowledge and accptance of my personal path. I understand that my path will not always proceed according to plan; I let go of my attachment to my desire to control, and turn inward to my true self which really guides me as it does all humanity.
I joyfully accept that my development may actually take quite a different turn than what I had expected. Nevertheless I trust that it will be perfect in accordance to the lessons I need to learn. This positive, open-minded attitude represents the epitome of true faith.

When ever I accept myself fully, I can also then accept another person fully.

the crocodile...

2006-05-11T09:22:00.000+10:00

a bird sang in the tree
the duck listened intently
the crocodile heard, but sank to the waters end to advoid it
the frog croaked along with the bird

man came with a rifle and shot the bird

the end

I'm glad it is raining today

2006-05-01T12:27:00.000+10:00

I'm glad it is raining today, it suits my mood... or maybe my mood suits the rain. Its a quite day, medative day, look within to the rythm of the gentle rain (and the heater). The rain cleanses, brings new life. It is cold, but if it was warm I think I'd go out and sit in the rain, allowing it to cleanse me through.

I feel frustration today, so much I want to do... but cant today... I must be patient...

I need to write, and write and write some more... my wrist will allow me soon... I must be patient...

I need to read, but am not sure what to read next... I must be patient

I'm glad it is raining today.

apples in the tree

2006-04-26T09:49:00.000+10:00

So now I type with one hand... Im learning great lessons in patience! Slowing down and having to accept help from people. I will heal. :-)

My baby boy has gone on school camp today, I'm not sad, I'm not worried, but can easily shed a tear. He will be 9 years old tomorrow, and I wont see him for his birthday at all. Quite strange. To have a 9 year old, makes me feel old, I was OK having an 8 year old, but I think 9 is so much closer to 10. I feel old having a 9 year old son.

I'm going to a funeral today... my god father died, I wasnt close to him, I was close to his wife and sons, I'll cry for them, but no need to cry for him, I'll celebrate his wonderful life. He achieved alot and enojoyed, lived it up. Here's to you Brian aka 'Soapy', cheers

Celebrate the good in our lives...

2006-04-06T13:49:00.000+10:00

I saw the surgeon a couple of days ago, I'm now booked in to have reconstructive surgery on my wrist next Thursday. I'm personally very exited about this. I am in so much pain and discomfort, and have been for 3 months, I can not wait to have something done about it. I want it fixed,I want positive action taken. Yes it'll be a long road, and 6 months more before I have normal use of it again, but they are all steps forward now. I'm tired of the waiting and the pain and possible backwards steps.

But so many people I talk to, are negative about this surgery. some feel sorry for me, sympathy and sorrow (sorry) only takes you down into your pain further. Some say that all surgery is 'bad' and should be advoided at all costs - yes in some cases, maybe, but my wrist NEEDS surgery. I've done the waiting and it aint going to heal itself. They are sorry it will be long recovery. They tell me of all the risks.

But no, what is done is done, accept it and get on with the solution. Sympathy does nothing positive, it doesnt make one feel better, it only dwells on the past (and the negative past at that).

I am happy I've found a surgeon, who understands the problem and can fix it.

So I am flying high after my leap off the cliff, I've now been booked in for surgery... things are getting better. And surgery on the eve of good friday, easter will leave me with a new begining and fresh healing.

Lets celebrate the good in our lives, you achieve nothing by dwelling on the sorrows.

I'm soaring high

2006-04-03T13:39:00.000+10:00

I jumped off the cliff, the time was right, the skys were blue, and I soared high. I'm flying higher than I ever imaged that I could. I just had to believe that I could do it and commit, and take that leap of faith.

"Artist: R. Kelly
Song: I Belive I Can Fly Lyrics

I used to think that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I'm leaning on the everlasting arms

Chorus
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence, it can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me

Chorus

"

Easter approaches..

2006-03-27T13:34:00.000+11:00

I feel that Easter is a good symbol to leave alot of stuff behind, and to start a new life. Time for a new begining after ending somthing significant. The full moon will assist me. And so the clouds are moving, I'm getting on tip-toes, I'm fluffing my wings... I'm about to jump, leave it behind and start a new adventure...

on the edge of a cliff

2006-03-23T11:29:00.000+11:00

I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, I've been here for a week. I've been walking towards this cliff edge for the past couple of months, slowly at first, but recently I've been running. Excited with the prospect of change, excited in finally beliving that it is the right thing to do, excited in faith that when I jump off the cliff I will fly. I'm fully aware that once I leave the edge, I have two choices, I can fall or I can fly.

Falling is the easy way, to feel sorry for yourself and defeated, to choose suffering, that is the easy way, that is the way that society says we should go, we have been brought up to focus on failure and suffering. At first I thought I'd fall, and began with a slow trudge. A year ago, I would have fallen, I would have seen no other way.

I'm going to fly! I cant wait to feel the freedom, to feel the energy of the earth cushioning me and lifting me higher. I know it may be bumpy at first, just like the baby bird who leaves the nest for the first time, but I know it is my destiny and I will fly like an eagle.

I cant jump yet, not out of fear as you may think. But out of wisdom. There are things that I must do first, I must prepare, I will soon be ready. Waiting for the right winds and the perfect day that will carry me through blue skys. The clouds are still heavy, they will soon move as I have figured out how to move them....

Changing seasons

2006-03-15T12:04:00.000+11:00

Today I feel the cold approaching, it is autumn, a time to shed old things. Winter approaches, a time to hibernate, withdraw into myself and complemplate how I will grow with the new season of Spring. It is a time for change.

The Alchemist and Joesph's wonderful coat

2006-03-13T10:53:00.000+11:00

I read 'The Alchemist' over the weekend, a quick and easy read. Very well written, I do recommend it. My 'personal legend' is to write a book, I know and feel it that I have to do this. And everytime I dismiss it, it keeps tugging at me.

I also saw a production of 'Joesph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat' on the weekend, which interestingly enough, the book 'The Alchemist' makes reference to. So I spent the weekend taking in alot of inspiring material.

I know that I experienced so much darkness for so many years so as I can now see the light. If you are always in the light, you cant see it. I can apreciate it so much. I am grateful for the experiences I've had, the journey I've travelled so far (as hard as it was), it has only made me a better person now for it. I know that it is my calling to help others out of the darkness and to tell my story.

Climb out of the darkness

2006-03-09T15:23:00.000+11:00

I finished reading 'The Spiral Staircase: my climb out of darkness' by Karen Armstrong. I loved it, I didnt want it to end. I could relate to her so much, coming from a world of darkness and, suppression into a world of light and being your own person. I related to the experiences and the feelings that Karen had throughout the whole book. The book inspires me to keep going, reassures me of my path, and helped me to understand some issues I have and to resolve them.

A volcano at the cafe

2006-03-09T11:15:00.000+11:00

Took my almost-9-year-old to the coffee shop yesterday, I was stressed, the coffee I needed was wonderful. I bought him a coke. And as we played a relaxing game of chess, he decided to try a science experiment, while I was focusing on where to move my knight. He placed a sachet of sugar into the bottle of coke, and much to his surprise it exploded like a volcano. My reaction was bad, more stress, people came running, coke kept flowing over the table, seat, floor, my son. So I could then continue to stress out or laugh. Well I choose to laugh, it was pretty funny, the look on my son, the suprise. I couldnt stop laughing, it was good to laugh.

To have something wrong

2006-03-09T10:34:00.000+11:00

My Lemonade Life: "The only thing wrong with you is your unquenchable thirst to have something wrong.

What, dear child, you would be capable of if you didn't spend your life endlessly trying to fix that which isn't broken and hang on to that which is already gone. Just imagine who you could be if you weren't standing in your own way!"

Insight

2006-03-08T14:10:00.000+11:00

I'll keep tolerating, I'll keep forgiving, I'll keep standing up for myself, I'll keep respecting myself. It can only make me stronger for it. I will continue to learn lessons and grow stronger every day. I'll continue to deflect the dark and love the light within me. I'm grateful for this opportunity.

I did my first powerpoint presentation today, with projector and all, in a seminar room with lots of interested people. It was scary, I was really nervous, but I survived. Next time I can only do better!

I feel the need to tell everyone who does good, that they indeed do good. I need to tell people not to take the good for granted. I see the good, I dont take anything for granted anymore, I apreciate life and loving people.

It is a most beautiful Autumn day today!

Smile at somoneone, you'll never know just how good it made them feel :-)

Forgive in silence...

2006-03-06T12:51:00.000+11:00

OK, we do have to forgive...every time. I know. We do have to sit in silence, in the NOW. We do have to erase the 'stuff' from our minds. For in silence we will be given all the answers, we will know.

And yes, I know you can't change anyone, so it is fruitless telling them to change or to stop.

We can only work on ourselves.

Somedays it is easier, somedays it is harder.

The weeds and black holes...

2006-03-06T10:01:00.000+11:00

They say 'if you ignore it, it will go away'. Is there really any truth in this? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. Sometimes it does never go away, sometimes it needs to be stamped out instead of ignored. It is hard to ignore somethings, and it is those things that hurt you the most that you need to ignore the most.
But what do you do when if you ignore it it simply keeps coming, like the silence is acting as a permission for it to continue. Doing nothing is building it in itself. Well, if I'm not punished, then it must be ok.

How do you completely ignore it? Sure, on the physical level, you dont react to it, dont mention it, dont make any physical change in your body in response to it. But on the mental level.... it is harder to ignore. It rings in your head, it is there, your mind cant ignore it, but instead becomes angry that it is still occuring and has to try to ignore once again.

Forgivness is there for us to use, to release it from our minds, allowing our minds to ignore it and be free. But what if they really shouldnt be doing what they are doing, what you are trying to ignore. It is not acceptable at all in any circumstance. And what if they dont see that they are doing wrong?

How many hundreds of times can you ignore and forgive the same person, the same abuse each and every week?

So if you tell them to stop, you are giving them fuel to do more and to abuse you even more, fuel to tell you how you are wrong not them and that you deserve it and that you have no right to tell them to stop. And if you again ignore it, they smile in knowing that you are again tormented by it in silence.

And living in the NOW, the present, it is the same as ignoring, and some people just take an ignore as permission to continue (since no one stopped them). You can only ignore it for so long.

Some people do not need positive feed back or nutring to continue on. Some people are the weeds, they'll keep on growing even knowing that they are not wanted. They thrive on neglect,
because they know they are being seen and noticed and that is enough. They take their water and food from the pretty flowers near by and grow taller and stronger than them. And as soon as you pluck them out (which is giving them even more attention) as their thorns pierce your heart, their seeds are already breaking free in multiples and they are stronger again, stronger than they ever were as one.

How many hundreds of times can you ignore and forgive the same person, the same abuse each and every week? How is that I can escape it for ever?

"Treat them as you want to be treated", and what if they just dont get it? How long can you throw light and love at someone only to watch it absorbed into the black hole and make them stronger. Please help me.

So familiar...

2006-03-02T11:24:00.000+11:00

The Selenomancologist: Wednesday, March 01, 2006 - "Floating in space as a photographer without her camera "

Build it anyway!

2006-02-16T15:38:00.000+11:00

POEM BY MOTHER THERESA
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build it anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world your best, and it may never be enough;
Give the world your best anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

My world rebuilds

2006-02-16T09:57:00.000+11:00

I'm putting the pieces back together. I worked out the advice and truths I'd been told. Some of them I disgarded, some of them would not work for me, some I took on board. I spent much time in meditation, and the answers came as I asked the questions. I now what is best for me, I now what is not best for me. I'm smiling again, starting to.
A new world.

Expectations are my wall. I build up expectations of how the day should go, how people should act, who they should be, what I should achieve. Of course when they aren't met, my ideal world is not happening, its hard. There is dissappointment, and you somehow keep hoping that those expecations will be met the next day or the next day or some day....

Let go of expectations. It is hard for me. It is my lesson this month.

You can not change people. Stop expecting them to be something they are not. Accept who they are, even if you dont like it. Deal with it in your own way, but dont expect it to change.

I found (or am still finding) a new way to deal with it.

It fizzed

2006-02-13T11:33:00.000+11:00

I finished reading 'Beyond Black', but it fizzed, it just finished. I don't think I grew from it. There was only one sentance that I take with me from the book. It is the only sentance that inspired me. it tells us that there is a flower inside us that we water with our tears, we should remember this when sorrows come.

I'm now going to read 'The Spiral Staircase' by Karen Armstrong. It is her path out of the darkness and into spirituality. I should be able to relate to it quite well.

I'm wearing a shirt today, a proper shirt with collar and buttons and cuffs, it is white. It is a nice shirt, but I hate wearing shirts and so only own 2, never wear them though.

Shattered Illusions

2006-02-09T14:32:00.000+11:00

My world was shattered. Truths became known, realised, brought forth, pointed out to me. Real truths. My Illusions were destroyed. Illusions of hope, of expectations, that I had a strong grip on. A friend pried my fingers off the illusions, the hope, told me to let go. showed me that they will never eventuate. She was right. I was kidding myself. I fell for a couple of days, in a dark slipperly tunnel.

Today I landed at the bottom. I see the light, but I am not sure how to get back to it. I dont know how to move towards it right now. I will find a new way to live. I will find how to deal with the truth.

I must not make new illusions. I must live absolute truth. I must not make hopes and expectations. What will drive me forwards now?

It is not easy, but it is right.

My Lemonade Life: December 2005

2006-02-08T14:39:00.000+11:00

My Lemonade Life: December 2005: "a boy who
Once upon a time there was a boy who looked at me and said, 'Don't ever let anyone tell you who you are.'
And I wondered how he managed to get away with being so wise."

My Lemonade Life: January 2006

2006-02-08T14:37:00.000+11:00

My Lemonade Life: January 2006: "will grow

Sometimes it's all I can do to remember that one day things will grow again."

My Lemonade Life

2006-02-08T14:31:00.000+11:00

My Lemonade Life: "so alone
We create a mask to meet the masks of others. Then we wonder why we cannot love, and why we feel so alone.
~Eshin~"

Pillar of cloud, pillar of fire

2006-02-08T11:33:00.000+11:00

Pil: "Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Fog.
There are times when all we have before us is daunting. The magnitude of the events to come, that have come and the events that will come as a result of completing any of the aforementioned daunting tasks can be, in a word, overwhelming. I don't think this is something that only a few select few battle, I feel it is a struggle which we all encounter in our lives at one time or another. I've thought recently about several obstacles in my own life that loom far larger than I. One has been the struggle of my family, my marriage which have come as a result of physical affliction. It is trying. It is tiring. It is consuming. It feeds anger. It feeds frustration. It tries, by any means necessary to separate joy from your life. It makes more noise in a polluted audible environment to drown out the blessings in your life. It covers the glass we see dimly through with dirt and grime to further strain our eyes to see the beautiful gifts we have been given. The second is to a call not fully understood. I know that God is without a shadow of a doubt real, in charge and living. Sometimes I wonder if I understand less than the few things I give myself credit for knowing, if even partially. I have gone over the dreams which lead me to responding to what I lean on as my call to the priesthood. And they are still as real and relevant in my heart as the nights I had them years ago."

I see dead people...

2006-02-06T13:43:00.000+11:00

I see dead people.
I communicate with dead people... and spirit guides... and angles.... beings from the light

I do. Just had to announce it.

blogs...

2006-02-06T12:21:00.000+11:00

I love reading blogs. I love searching for intersting, inspiring blogs. So what does it mean to be inspired? Does it make me feel inadequate, because I am not as good as them and I want to be. I do know that we are all on our own paths, and everyone is different, I respect peoples differences. Is inspiration encouraging me to improve and grow? I think it is triggering something that is already in me, the inspiration is just opening the lid and letting me see another part of me that needs attention. Otherwise it wouldnot interest me, it wouldn't stir emotions and feelings in me, right? It is there for a reason, I found it for good reason.

Dictionary.com:
in·spire ( P ) (n-spr)v. in·spired, in·spir·ing, in·spires v. tr.
To affect, guide, or arouse by divine influence.
To fill with enlivening or exalting emotion: hymns that inspire the congregation; an artist who was inspired by Impressionism.
To stimulate to action; motivate: a sales force that was inspired by the prospect of a bonus.
To affect or touch: The falling leaves inspired her with sadness.
To draw forth; elicit or arouse: a teacher who inspired admiration and respect.
To be the cause or source of; bring about: an invention that inspired many imitations.
To draw in (air) by inhaling.
Archaic.
To breathe on.
To breathe life into.

I'm floating

2006-02-06T11:55:00.000+11:00

I'm floating today, I just want to admire art, I just want to read beautiful words. I want to create art and words. No logic. I want away from logic, away from routine, away from society, I want my own world. The coffee smells good today, but I'll wait until tommorow. It will taste even better if I wait an extra day.

The children angered me this morning, I think mainly because I didnt want to be in this world with them. I love them dearly, but I need me right now and only me. I'm angered when they enter my space, and taint my things.

Tommorow I start my third Reiki course, level II extenstion. I'm looking forward to it. I will be in a different world. My Reiki master suggests that I may be going through a big energy shift - that explains wanting to be alone, reflect upon myself and live for me only.

It all happens for a reason.

I'm reading a book, "Beyond Black: A Novel" by Hillary Mantel. I'm 70% through it. It is not riviting, doesnt leave me hanging on, waiting to see what is on the next page. I can put it down quite easily. There is no plot, no real story, no thread, it is just odd days in their life. There is no real character development. It doesnt make me think about things. I dont feel inspired by it. It doesnt challenge my beliefs. I figure I dont really need to read the rest. But then I think, something exciting has to happen, it just might, it may just go somewhere in the end with a profound meaning. You cant just write all this and just end. And so I will keep reading, I have expectations now. That will probably lead to disappointment... we'll see.

Butterfly

2006-02-01T14:32:00.000+11:00

The butterfly:
1. Transformation, ugly to beauty, emerge from the cocoon into the light, a new begining
2. Butterfly theory, Chaos
3. Colours never fade
4. Dancing the joy of life

The labyrinth

2006-02-01T14:09:00.000+11:00

I'd love to build a labyrinth. Where shall I build it? How do I explain to those who dont belive of its benefits? I shouldnt have to explain anything.

I will build one, one day. When the time is right and the space is right. I will have one.

I wish it would all go away

2006-01-30T15:24:00.000+11:00

Today I want to be alone. Speak to no-one. Explain my self to noone. Answer to noone. Share my things with no-one. I want to have my own world, where I can do what I want to do, to study, to draw, to paint. Where nobody will tell me it is a silly idea and that I am not good at it, or it is a waste of time or it costs too much, or that the housework needs to be done first. I dont want to be told that it is selfish and I should not be enjoying myself. Because that is what happens when I do something for myself. No more!!

I dont want to have to hide my passions, hide my paint brushes and my paper. I dont want to have to only bring them out when no-one else is home and rush them away when they arrive back. I dont want to only be able to practice dance when no one is watching.

I want to be whom I am, now that I've found out who I am, I want to live it. No lies, no secrets, no guilt. Just live to the fullest, open in the light.

The Selenomancologist: What if a room could speak?

2006-01-24T14:50:00.000+11:00

The Selenomancologist: What if a room could speak?: "In a room with no boundaries, the perfect human dances once the music has gone."

The Selenomancologist: Let's play the empathy game!

2006-01-24T14:46:00.000+11:00

The Selenomancologist: Let's play the empathy game!: "Anyways, now that your mind is clear, become very conscious about the 'I' that experiences your perspective. The 'I' should not have a personality. The 'I' is not an individual, or a conformist, or interested in necking with a fellow 'U' at the back entrance of the local cinema. The 'I' does not care where it has been, where it is now, or where it is going. The 'I' is the vanilla and the world that it perceives is the chocolate with rainbow sprinkles and extra cookie dough. The 'I' is bland and it is merely there. It is your consciousness itself, and nothing more. The I is just pure, unadulterated consciousness. There was a quote from something, somewhere, that went 'we are all a part of the infinite human consciousness, we're just experiencing ourselves subjectively'. Your 'I' experiences the external and internal world very differently from the estimated 6 billion other 'I's lurking the planet. But within each living being, the I experiences itself exactly the same."